new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
