Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
should my penis look like a turkey
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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