I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
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