Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
