I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
