He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I accidentally burped into my bong.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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