I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize