Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
