Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
