ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
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