It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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