Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
