Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
The air was thick with penises
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
