I just pynch a tree in the face
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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