you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
