Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
