they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
