Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
