Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Randomize
