i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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