and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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