I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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