I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
