my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
