i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
