She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
