im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
