I can text with my tongue
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
