Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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