mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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