I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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