I'm so fucking centered right now
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
