I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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