Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
