You're my little dorito
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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