im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
