i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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