the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i will never coherently bang her
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
