I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
