I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
MIDGETS
????
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
