hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
