My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
