Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
