everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
