I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Bring me that man meat
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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