his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
