Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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