I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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