Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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