Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
